I went to the city landfill today to empty out my garage. I’m moving to North Hollywood tonight and in North Hollywood, I no longer require things like seven industrial blacklights, a piano with seventeen broken strings I left in out in the rain for a weekend, two huge computer monitors I drew faces on where the eyes are above the screen so it looks like a big mouth, or two broken reclining lounge chairs. Also, a wicker satellite chair was thrown away.

If you’ve never been to a landfill, you should go because it is completely awesome!

You pull up, you get your whole truck and things weighed on one of those big scales; then you pull up to a big open space where there’s like 14 dump trucks just dumping trash into a ditch. Awesome. From there, you take all your stuff and do whatever the hell you want with it.

I caber tossed some bookshelves. This was much more difficult than I had anticipated and I only got about ten feet. That’s probably pretty great for a first try. Even if it isn’t, the bookshelves exploded spectacularly.

All this only cost me 55 dollars for 1.08 Tonnes of junk.

Thanks to everyone who came to the Viper Room on Oscar night! It was the greatest thing that has ever happened in Los Angeles. There was an open bar so everyone got too drunk to piss straight and then drove home. Look out for another RAD DICKTASTICS SHOW on May 5th at the Derby.

May 4th. The Derby.

About a year ago, I started this site called AdoptABunny.org It’s about a guy who hates bunnies, especially baby bunnies, who inherits a bunny farm from his dead Aunt. In order to end his misery, he’s giving these bunnies away to anyone who wants one.

Go adopt a bunny if you want to see it.

It’s a virtual bunny of course, because no such person exists, but I guess I didn’t make that clear enough. In the few links to the site that are out there on the web, several people are shocked that anyone could hate baby bunnies. Some are even outraged.

That’s hilarious, but there’s more.

When I set up the site, I also set up an email address for the fictional owner Dill Pickles. I set it up for testing purposes and never checked it until last night. This was the first email:

Dill,Cancel the bunny order I was just thinking that If I filled out the app. that I could see how much the bunny cost!So… please cancle

Now that’s funny because the only thing I ask for is an email address. I guess I could just duct tape a bunny in a shoe box and chuck it into the post with my fingers crossed. Unlikely, but no more unlikely than encountering a person who hates bunnies more than anything else in the world.

hey my mom said i can get a bunny is it for free

Now I feel like a jerk.

can you give me your phone number so i can call you i need to know where you live so i can get the bunnie can you bring it over to me i live in jacksonville florida

Bigger jerk.

dose the rabbit have supplies with it?such as toys food and a cage.

And now I feel like the biggest jerk ever. These emails were sitting in Dill Pickles inbox for about 8 months now. That means my cute little joke is responsible for making little girls beg their mothers to let them adopt a bunny for free on the internet from some surly prick who hates them, and then got no reply. I’ve fought the Battle of the Pet. It is long and hard and won in tears. What’s waiting for you in the end shouldn’t be some jackass giggling about irony, it should be a bunny.

Eh, fuck it.

It’s the Viper Room.

Awesome.

If you don’t know what I do for work, it’s called SEO (search engine optimization) and it involves setting up websites so they show up higher on Google.

If that sounds confusing, it’s because it is. You might even call it rocket science.

I’m going to throw my thoughts into the ring on this SEO is or isn’t rocket science debate because I have a unique perspective on it that might conjure up some magical moments.

My unique perspective is that I am a fucking rocket scientist.

INNOVATION

There is one and only one way SEO techniques and technology are improved. It’s commonly called the “Throw shit at a wall and see what sticks” method. From the whitest of PPC auditing to 302 hijacking, someone figured that stuff out by giving it a shot. Here are some links to see more of that in action:

Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C

Woops! I didn’t link to the Throw Shit At a Wall technique in SEO at all! I linked to the colossal failures of that very same technique in the field of rocket science. If rockets and rocket science look like anything more than dudes and dudettes in lab coats throwing multi-stage liquid Oxygen controlled atomic explosive shit at the wall and seeing what sticks, it’s only because rocket science has been around about 30 times longer than SEO. (300 vs. 10 years?)

DIFFICULTY AND COMPLEXITY

Go get a two liter bottle of Diet Coke and a pack of Mentos. Congratulations, you’re a rocket scientist! You know what would make that better though is if you got some PVC pipe the same size as the bottle to feed those Mentos in lickety split. Yea, now we’re talking. Okay, but instead of Diet Coke, fill it with a solid brick of ammonium perchlorate, aluminum and hell why not throw in a bit of iron as a catalyst. And obviously instead of Mentos, use a flare gun.

If you’re comparing the difficulty of SEO and the difficulty of rocket science, then you might as well go straight to the top because even the worst SEOs are doing more than dropping Mentos in Diet Coke.

That doesn’t mean Danny Sullivan or Greg Boser, or shit even Dave Naylor vs NASA either. That means Google vs. NASA. Google is the ultimate SEO.

NASA and Google partner it up.

SEO, at the level to which Google has taken it, which is exactly putting sites in front of more human eyeballs than anyone else in the world, requires an amount of computer processing and data storage and handling that not even NASA can match.

“While our joint efforts will benefit both organizations, the real winner will be the American public,” said NASA Ames Center Director G. Scott Hubbard.

That means if you think SEO isn’t rocket science, you hate America.

OFF BY A MILLIMETER

Rocket science is plagued by minuscule cock-ups that shoot multi-million-dollar satellites into deep space instead of landing them gracefully on Mars because some jackass forgot to convert meters to feet.

If you’ve ever done THIS

“DELETE FROM proxy_db WHERE prox_host LIKE ‘%.%’

instead of THIS

“DELETE FROM proxy_db WHERE prox_host LIKE ‘%.edu%’

Then you know exactly what that feels like. Wait, here’s another doozy:

if(is_googlebot())
  header(”Location: http://www.fuckoff.com”);
else
  show_cloaked_pages();

Here’s a hint on that one. It’s backwards!

SEO is rocket science.

PS. This is not link bait. Please god don’t call it that. Don’t even link to it. It’s just for fun. Actually, no one is allowed to link to it.

Don’t be a dick. Be dicktastics. Come to our show. It will be awesome.

Give me your name, I’ll put you on the Will Call list!

MAP to the Derby

Also, I went snowmobiling in Whistler yesterday. It was awesome.

Google video is awesome and all, but if you want the full online video experience (which means a bunch of anonymous dicks telling you how crappy you are) you need YouTube. I posted some new videos up over there to see what would happen : )