That guy is Matt Cutts and he is the King of Google.

I’m serious.

Don’t let his relaxed nature whilst in leggings and leather confuse you.  He’s actually a normal guy when not LARPing in his backyard.  I don’t know under what context this picture was taken, but I’m pretty sure there could be no reasonable explanation for it.

Here are some interesting facts about Matt and Me:

Matt is an engineer.
I am an engineer!

Matt once had blue hair.
I have blue hair right now!

Matt worked for the NSA.
I worked for the government one time!

Matt likes the CSI theme song.
So do I!

Matt likes cats and has one.
I fucking hate cats and have one!

Matt has a PhD.
I have a PhDeez Nuts.

Matt invented SafeSearch, an internet porno filter.
I’ve put tons of porno on the internet!  That’s synergistic!

Matt probably has lots of Google stock.
I have 60,000 shares of Dot Com meltdown/Not Worth Dick stock!  Hooray!

Out of all the people I know who only drink Sprite while other people are double-fisting free glasses of vodka that they had to yell at the bartender for because the open bar closes at 10:00 and not at 9:57 you cheap dicks; Matt is the coolest.

You can read more about Matt and his issues with his hippitude HERE (Matt Cutts’ Blog) .  You can also see a picture of Matt and Me that he has changed to look like he’s shooting triangles at my face — or New Hampshire’s at my face.  I don’t really get it.

If you read the comments on Matt’s post, you’ll eventually get to this one:

Weary Said,

but - this chap, Dax, needs to stop trying to sound all not-grown up and cool and embrace HIS geekiness.

he ends up sounding like my 10 year old trying to impress the local ‘gangstas’ after reading a few Mickey Spillane books.

it’s not big and it certainly aint clever - just tedious

Sheesh.  Here’s a riddle: how many anonymous assholes does it take to lob pot shots at people over the internet?  One.  And his name is Weary.

No seriously.  I can understand calling me an asshole.  That’s fine.  I’ve never been called a "chap" before either, so that’s a new experience.  What I don’t think is appropriate, however, is making fun of your own 10 year old kid in a miscellaneous comment on some dude’s blog.  It’s like, that kid might not have the resources to defend himself.  You know?  Is he on myspace?  Does he have a matmice account?  What the fuck?  He’s probably just out playing basketball or trying to be clever and big with his peeps and homies while his dad is shit talking him on the net.

That’s dirty pool old man. 

Aight.  I’m out like trout.