Last week I was watching reruns of In Living Color on BET at like 1 in the morning when an infomercial about Magic Prosperity Handkerchiefs came on.
I don’t know if everyone knows what these are except me, but according to the Reverend Don Stewart, a magic prosperity handkerchief is a biblically sanctioned prosperity talisman that operators are standing by to send out at no charge. Naturally, I had to have one.
I got a tape recorder out and placed a call on the behalf of Ass Dickson who lives on 69 Dickville Street in Dickzakota, America. Unfortunately for my fun, there were no operators standing by, just an answering machine.
‘Well fuck it,’ I said.
Boy was I surprised when I got this in the mail:
Here’s the low down: You write on the green and shittily made prosperity handkerchief the amount of your largest bill or how much money you want for free, then you send the “church” back some seed money of your own, and then I guess just sit back and watch the Lincolns roll in.
Yea it’s stupid, der der. What I’m actually upset about is the hilarious and off-colour comments I left on their fucking answering machine that no one actually listened to! That sucks. They get the calls, they caller ID their ass, then they send out these shitkerchiefs en mass. If they’re smart (and they are because let’s face it, they are), nowhere along the line does anyone get to hear about how I want 230 dollars from my Green Prosperity Handkerchief and god so I can bathe in pudding and also that Don Stewart’s face stapling botch job looks like something a dumpling fucker might have done to himself.
What’s a dumpling fucker? No one asked because no one heard my message.
I’ll Flickr a picture of it later so everyone can see just how shitty and crappy it is. Or you can get a Green Prosperity Handkerchief of your own!
BTW, Dicktastics show tonight!!! With a special Christmas song!!
7 responses so far ↓
1 pixie pan // Dec 10, 2006 at 5:11 pm
ok. I really can’t believe NO ONE HASN’T COMMENTED on this one. Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. Did you blow your nose in that hanky before you sent it back, and if so, do you think you’ll get more lincolns rolling in because of it? (you know every good ritual has an activator). Now I know what to ask Santee-clause for X-mas. You better make sure they aren’t puttin’ your name in some “Book of Mormon” or somethin’.
God bless you, Dax! Bless you, son…(you just sneezed)
2 Bulbboy // Dec 11, 2006 at 11:32 am
What’s a dumpling fucker? =P
3 Michael // Feb 26, 2007 at 7:54 am
Actually it is my job to listen to those phonecalls. So yea, someone does listen to them. ME
4 hammer // Mar 20, 2007 at 4:18 pm
HAHAHA, really!? That’s awesome. Well if you get one from Dick Dickenbach, that was me!
5 TGT // Dec 8, 2007 at 1:31 am
I am so fucking amazed and so fucking stoned I can’t believe Im typing this shit at 3:26 getting home, stoned. So I start watching the tv and Don Stuart comes out preachin, then busts out the Green magic hanky and i fuckin lost it. Im still fuckin laughing as im typing this shit. I thought it was me warping the bit because im stoned but no it’s real and it’s just funnier cause im stoned. I guess i’ll discover that tomorrow. whaterver the fuck, fuck my story, im tired, lates bitches
6 Robyn // Apr 4, 2008 at 6:04 pm
We were up early one morning and saw this wretched infomercial. We were AMAZED that black people fall for this (as well as that annointed water or whatever). My husband called and used an old mans voice…Cletus Humm. We were laughing the entire time. Lo and behold, about a week later, he received his green hanky right before going to Vegas.
Well, needless to say, that sonofabitch didn’t work. We didn’t come home with the thousands PROMISED by Don. What a dick.
He sent another reminder letter, this time with a square of green felt. Not kidding.
Wow.
7 Leah // May 14, 2008 at 11:24 am
I got a yellow fabric hand print after the green felt……it was cut out more carefully then the hankerchief…..quality.
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