This is a text message conversation between my sister and myself that occured on Christmas Eve in the St. Claire’s auxilliary church andSt. Claire’s auxilliary church parking lot.

Ashley: Dax, this is your sis.  Where are you?  We’re saving you seats.
Me: I’m in the big church.  I’m saving everyone seats.

Guess where who was.

Unless you have some kind of learning disability, like tack hammer to the head disorder, you are already thinking exactly what my family should have been thinking: "There is absolutly no fucking way Dax (who is a liar, who hasn’t been to church outside of Dec 24th since the first Bush was president, and who frequently pronounces the holiday "ecks-mas"), got to church an hour earlier to save a row of seats in the main church that has wooden benches instead of chairs and four hundred people who are really good at pretending to be serious.

Since I have no such disability, I assumed we were all on the same page.  I thought absolutely nothing of the off-handed comment.  Here’s the text message I got four minutes later when I walked into the auxilliary church:

Ashley: coming! 

"Oh shit!" I thought as the jerk with the handle bar moustache waved me frantically up to some random seats in the front like he was doing something important.

Me: No!
Me: No!
Me: No!
Me: Joking!

Goddammit.  It wasn’t until an hour later that I got a response.

Ashley: We had to stand in the back the whole time.  Thanks a lot you jackass

Usually people gain like 10 pounds by gorging themselves on meats and pies or meat pies during the holiday season.  I think I lost about fifteen laughing for an hour straight.