Why the fuck is an advertisement for “He-She Escorts” showing up in my Gmail?

And if someone wanted a He-She Escort, would this be the best way to pick up the client? There’s a reason prostitutes are called “ladies of the evening” and “professionals”. That’s purchasing sex with a side of self-respect.

A “She He” does not exactly ooze class with a sly wink to your trousers. Actually…what would?

CONTEST!

Okay, this is my Dax Biggnuts Contest for 2007, which ends when the ball drops. Whoever can think of the classiest name for a transsexual prostitute wins a link on my sidebar.

Da Rules

1. You have to post your classy transsexual prostitute name somewhere on your blog and link to this post.
2. Your entry must be submitted before I wake up and check my email Jan 1.
3. Here are some off-limits entries because I already thought of them:
Hot Totties
Sausage Queens
Wacky Wavy Inflatable Arm Flailing Tubemen

Goodnight.

UPDATE

If my trackbacks don’t work, post a comment pointing to your blog post. I know you’re good for it.

Also, this contest is open to non-SEO people too.

Last week I was watching reruns of In Living Color on BET at like 1 in the morning when an infomercial about Magic Prosperity Handkerchiefs came on.

I don’t know if everyone knows what these are except me, but according to the Reverend Don Stewart, a magic prosperity handkerchief is a biblically sanctioned prosperity talisman that operators are standing by to send out at no charge. Naturally, I had to have one.

I got a tape recorder out and placed a call on the behalf of Ass Dickson who lives on 69 Dickville Street in Dickzakota, America. Unfortunately for my fun, there were no operators standing by, just an answering machine.

‘Well fuck it,’ I said.

Boy was I surprised when I got this in the mail:

Here’s the low down: You write on the green and shittily made prosperity handkerchief the amount of your largest bill or how much money you want for free, then you send the “church” back some seed money of your own, and then I guess just sit back and watch the Lincolns roll in.

Yea it’s stupid, der der. What I’m actually upset about is the hilarious and off-colour comments I left on their fucking answering machine that no one actually listened to! That sucks. They get the calls, they caller ID their ass, then they send out these shitkerchiefs en mass. If they’re smart (and they are because let’s face it, they are), nowhere along the line does anyone get to hear about how I want 230 dollars from my Green Prosperity Handkerchief and god so I can bathe in pudding and also that Don Stewart’s face stapling botch job looks like something a dumpling fucker might have done to himself.

What’s a dumpling fucker? No one asked because no one heard my message.

I’ll Flickr a picture of it later so everyone can see just how shitty and crappy it is. Or you can get a Green Prosperity Handkerchief of your own!

BTW, Dicktastics show tonight!!! With a special Christmas song!!

Tragically, I have become sick only three days before my gig at THE DERBY.

It could be from the horrible condition of my bathroom.
It could be from the last Friday morning I woke up drunk after sleeping on the couch.
It could be from the handrail I licked at Disneyland
It could be from THIS PICTURE my friend (who is a man) posted of his dog.

I don’t know. I’m not a doctor, but I know what didn’t get me sick…cigarettes.

I’ve been taking that Airborne effervescent stuff every three hours, Cold-Eeze losenges at about the same frequency. I took about 5,000mg of vitamin C and drank a pint of orange juice. What’s left? Noodle soup? Does that shit work?

FYI: the gig will still rock so hard you won’t be able to listen to music ever again because everything else will sound like shit. In fact it will rock even harder.

I found out about this new law from Shii’s blog…whoever that is.

US CODE Title 18, 2252B says

(a) Whoever knowingly uses a misleading domain name on the Internet with the intent to deceive a person into viewing material constituting obscenity shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than 2 years, or both.

(b) MINORS.—Whoever knowingly embeds words or digital images into the source code of a website with the intent to deceive a minor into viewing material harmful to minors on the Internet shall be fined under this title and imprisoned for not more than 20 years.

That means if you link to a porn site with a domain like checkoutmycar.com or fuzzybunnies.org, you are going to prison. I have only this to say…

It’s about fucking time.

I’m so sick of my friends and work mates sending me AIMs that say stuff like, “Hey check out some pics of my new car,” or “dude is this a picture of you with Howie Long?” and it never is. It’s always some kind of weiner or person turned inside out or a parrot sitting on a weiner or something like that.

Well fuck you guys. You guys have fucked around with that juvenile bullshit too much and soon you’re going to be going to prison for it. This is only the first step. It’s misleading domains today, misleading links tomorrow. You totally deserve it too. Not only do those kinds of shenanigans totally annoy me (and waste bandwidth), but sometimes I’ll open them when other people are around who don’t know the context under which I’m accidentally viewing said porno links. That’s embarassing. And according to Yoda, shame or something leads to anger and hate and that leads to crime and that leads to a big fat paycheck written by me the tax payer. I don’t see how anyone can even argue with laws like this. Frankly, that’s unAmerican.
Rot in prison, you pig fuckers.

Well my super awesome, super bad moustache auction was just canceled by eBay.

Here’s the message they sent me:

Your listing was in violation of eBay’s Inappropriate Links policy and has
been removed from eBay.

We would like to take this opportunity to let you know what part of your listing is not permitted.

Your listing(s) contains the following information:

IN DESCRIPTION: Check out my homepage at www.biggnuts.com

Awesome. That’s not what it said though. It was “Check out my homepage at www.biggnuts.com to get a better idea of where this moustache has been.”

In one way, it’s completely my fault. I think most of us here know a little something about TOSes and the violating of them. It’s always your fault. No matter what. I apologize to everyone involved. Namely these two super awesome dudes:

That would be ShoeMoney and Webmasterradio’s own SEGuru who knocked the bidding up to $355 (Holy Shit!) before it was pulled. It’s one thing to have a whopping two of your forty MySpace friends repost your bulletin when asked (what a special fucking feeling that is), but it’s a totally different feeling when some big wigs like these hombres start tossing link love your way. You guys are super awesome and thanks! MSN cached the auction page, so I’ll post it at buymymoustache.com when I can get my hands on some better web editing software.

In a completely other way: Seriously, what the fuck!

I guess instead of “Check out my homepage biggnuts.com to get a better idea of where this moustache has been.” I should have said, “Special thanks to myself and the rest of the automated auction services staff at biggnuts.com for hosting some of these fucking images, editing said images, and writing this auction content — also for all the payment processing, fucking trick razor blade shaving, and shipping services! Because all that stuff is way harder and way more fucking expensive than hosting one stupid counter and those counter people get their links shot out of a goddamn cannon. Oh wow. That’s actually a good point. Or it would be if eBay didn’t have a way to edit your item additions even though no one’s bid on the item since you added them. And they don’t. But the real question is, would any of that have tricked the single actual person who looked at an auction on a Moustache for Sale and thought to themselves, yep a link to this guy’s homepage is completely against the spirit of our policies and has absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH PURCHASING HIS FUCKING SUPER RAD MOUSTACHE…DELETED!.”

This is almost as stupid as when FOX bleeped Cleveland saying “erection” on Family Guy about two seconds ago while I was writing this. And that’s almost as stupid as when Cartoon Network bleeps The Professor saying “sweet zombie Jesus” on the episode of Futurama where Fry falls in love with a mermaid but doesn’t stay with her for her lack of human sexual organs.

“What’s a target?” - Jack in the Box commercial

But all that’s in a completely other way. Also UCLA got beat in the World Series today. Fuck. This sucks. I’m an idiot.

Now…to think of something awesomer.

I had to ride my bicycle to work today because I wore out the steering column on my truck. That’s because when I turn, I turn the fuck out of it. I turn with such prejudice that I had to install one of those bus driver turning knobs on my steering wheel. Shit, sometimes I just sit in my driveway and practice turning. That’s how you wear out a steering column.

I have no idea how you wear out a steering column. All I know is it’s going to cost an XBOX 360 including Dead or Alive 4 to fix and that I have to ride my bike to work.

Or do I?

No. I don’t. Because my goddamn bike had two flat tires (which I fucking totally checked for the night before) and instead of cruising to work, I had to walk it up the mountain between my house and the mechanics. Awesome.

When I say mountain, I’m not fucking about either. I took the liberty of pulling up my misery treasure map on Google and marking it with a red line. The big unhappy guy on the bottom left is me upon finding that my circa 1989 Alien mountain bike has two flat tires. Then the red line is where I pushed the goddamn thing back to my house instead of throwing it into some ghetto ass’ backyard. The mountain is indicated by those fuck-off mountain shadows that we’re all familiar with since grade school.