Oh my god I want that so bad!

I didn’t even know you were allowed to have monkeys. Why the fuck do so many people have dogs if there are free monkeys all over facebook!?

I dreamt last night that I was shopping for a watch.

Upon waking, I realized this was the most pleasant dream I had ever had.

That’s a picture of the awesome pipe and dapper cap my sister got me for christmas. Pretty rad.

I also got a Wii for Xmas. If you haven’t heard of it yet, you will soon as the thing that destroyed half the big screens in the world.

The Wii is dangerous and Wii Bowling is the Devil. The Devil comes free with the Wii. If I had kids and a flat panel, I would be shitting my pants non-stop over the rest of the xmas break at the thought of them at home alone with a Wii. Monkey Darts that comes with Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz, has you literally throwing the controller toward the television and then releasing the A button at the last second. Intuitive yes, dangerous: extremely. Those wrist straps are for pansies.

Anyway, my Wii code is 2302 3080 0510 5454. Add me and post your Wii code or email it to me!

Thanks you YouTube, I discovered a few frigging awesome looking pieces of Extreme Gear today.

Jumping shoes!

Ever tried super glueing matress springs to the bottom of your shoes because you suck at basketball? Well I have and it didn’t work. Here’s how it does work: some big fuck off aeronautical springs rivetted onto the back of some boot skeletons.

Check out a video HERE.

Purchase these bad boys HERE. ($440)

Motorized Skateboard deal!

Not into jumping shoes? Then how about in your face fucking powerized shoes!

See you stick your feet in those holes in the wheels and then, I guess, there’s a hand throttle. I would imagine that something like this has no breaks. It takes a liter of gas and goes for an hour at 20mph.

Is this a safer alternative to a motorcycle for someone who just spent 96 dollars to fill up their truck at the pump? Who cares.

Purchase this bad boy HERE (like $900)

Enormous Kite!

Para-sailing has always seemed like a huge pain in the ass to me.  Also, I’m afraid of the ocean.  A cousin of mine got chlamydia in the ocean.

I’m not even going to talk about how awesome this one is.  Just go watch their video HERE.

I bought a piano yesterday.  Hooray!

And while that is not a picture of me or my new piano, it is a cool picture and I have taken some cool pictures before.

The piano I got is a Yamaha G1, which is five feet four inches of spruce, basswood, and terror.  Here are some tips for buying a used piano from a private party or a dealer:

1. Bring an ultra violet light.

There are a hundred reasons I can give you for needing to bring one of those bad boys when you buy a used just about anything, but the real reason you should have one is for the reasons I can’t give you.

2. Get them to throw in delivery

You can do the math for yourself.  A piano is 500 pounds.  You have a half ton truck and two guys.  I can lift X much weight, my buddy can lift Y…  Fuck it!  Let’s move this piano ourselfs!

WRONG!

Moving a piano any distance at all with be the second most miserable experience of your life.  The most miserable experience will be lifting it into the bed of your truck.

3. Play all the keys

There’s always one or two keys that are fucked.  Sometimes the damper doesn’t go all the way down; sometimes it sticks; whatever.  Play each one before you buy it.  One or two are usually fucked up because shithead kids who should be playing Nintendo instead of ruining an instrument play the same song with their little ham-fists for a year straight until Mommy and Daddy give up the ghost on their child being a musical prodigy.  That or someone spilled a Guinness on the keys.

4. Know what you’re looking for

Do you want an upright?  Do you want a grand?  Do you know the difference?

Me?  I like my pianos like I like my women: cheap on the outside, but solid enough to take a hell of a lot of action all night long.  Oh yea.

The Art Machine read something that said ear buds ruin your hearing.  You know the little headphones you stick in your earholes that come with the iPod.  Kind of like how an AC charger does NOT come with the iPod.  Fuck you guys at Apple for that.  I don’t know who made that call, but fuck you man.  You’re a dick.

So Art bought everyone these awesome Logitech Bluetooth headphones.

To answer your questions:

YES they have builtin rechargable batteries.
YES the audio quality is the best you’ve ever heard in your life.
YES you are a douchebag if you know a bunch of frequency loss, harmonic distortion and audio fidelity terms on which to determine that.
YES I can totally listen to music while taking a shit at the office.

How awesome is that!