I can’t stop laughing at this:

Add me on facebook. If you’re man enough.

About a year ago, I started this site called AdoptABunny.org It’s about a guy who hates bunnies, especially baby bunnies, who inherits a bunny farm from his dead Aunt. In order to end his misery, he’s giving these bunnies away to anyone who wants one.

Go adopt a bunny if you want to see it.

It’s a virtual bunny of course, because no such person exists, but I guess I didn’t make that clear enough. In the few links to the site that are out there on the web, several people are shocked that anyone could hate baby bunnies. Some are even outraged.

That’s hilarious, but there’s more.

When I set up the site, I also set up an email address for the fictional owner Dill Pickles. I set it up for testing purposes and never checked it until last night. This was the first email:

Dill,Cancel the bunny order I was just thinking that If I filled out the app. that I could see how much the bunny cost!So… please cancle

Now that’s funny because the only thing I ask for is an email address. I guess I could just duct tape a bunny in a shoe box and chuck it into the post with my fingers crossed. Unlikely, but no more unlikely than encountering a person who hates bunnies more than anything else in the world.

hey my mom said i can get a bunny is it for free

Now I feel like a jerk.

can you give me your phone number so i can call you i need to know where you live so i can get the bunnie can you bring it over to me i live in jacksonville florida

Bigger jerk.

dose the rabbit have supplies with it?such as toys food and a cage.

And now I feel like the biggest jerk ever. These emails were sitting in Dill Pickles inbox for about 8 months now. That means my cute little joke is responsible for making little girls beg their mothers to let them adopt a bunny for free on the internet from some surly prick who hates them, and then got no reply. I’ve fought the Battle of the Pet. It is long and hard and won in tears. What’s waiting for you in the end shouldn’t be some jackass giggling about irony, it should be a bunny.

Eh, fuck it.

Has anyone seen those Danish Mohammed cartoons that have everyone’s turban in a knot?

It took me like five minutes to track them down and since my Googling skills are like twice as fast as everyone I know, I’m going to just post the pictures here.

This one’s not so bad. If I was a prophet I wouldn’t mind being this doodle. I’ve got some cool pirate pants there, and a donkey. If it’s good enough for Juan Valdez, why not Mohammed?

Same deal here. This pose is a little fruity, but I think those manly fucking bullhorns make up for that. Make fun of Mohammed’s Birkenstocks? Guess that you want your ass gored with some gilded golded horns of righteousness.

This one’s a little out there. I think the guy who drew it just used a Karl Marx doodle that he drew up in Hippie Town (college). That’s why it has a Green Russian flag. Russia? Green Party? Beard? Yes that’s definitely Karl Marx.

I like the Evil Santa style beard in this one, but what I don’t get is why someone would draw penises for a guy’s eyes. Especially when the guy has a sword. At least I assume that someone drew penises for this guy’s eyes. Why else would they censor it out with one of those bars? That’s how it goes in print media, anywhere there’s a penis — even if it isn’t in a penile region, gets a black bar.

I also heard that there’s a shortage of chairs.

I would be pretty offended too if my physics professor was Jeff Goldbloom. Even in a comic. For the last time everyone, Jeff Goldbloom is not actually a genius. He wouldn’t be able to explain what is going on with those Eigenvectors or whatever the hell they’re supposed to be. It’s unrealistic and frankly that offends me.

I guess this is a behind the scenes look at how to draw a Mohammed cartoon. They must have wanted to round the total out at an even dozen. I have news for you aspiring cartoonists. Smoking right above your drawings is probably a bad idea.

Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer is a line up guy for a while and Jerry has to take the lie detector test because he lied about not watching Melrose Place? That was a classic. Always remember: it’s not a lie if you believe it.

Attack of the Jew Chickens wearing football helmets! AAAH!

No, you know what was another good episode of Seinfeld, was the puffy shirt one. Oh Jerry. You and your inability to politely resolve socially awkward situations.

Relax, folks. Those motherfuckers don’t look like they’re about to relax to me dude. Just because you’re wearing the green robe doesn’t make you the King of Chill Town.

Yippie Kai-yeay, motherfucker!

Lesson here: Don’t order your headwear from ACME.

Here’s the last one and my personal favourite. If you ignore the stupid orange gag and the one-nostriled homosexual, you can get some great tips on how to draw a cool looking stick figure with a beard. Every time I’ve drawn a stick figure with a beard, it always looks like a stick figure throwing up. But look! With a few simple lines instead of a bunch of scribbles, you can draw a totally authentic bearded stickman. I’m going to go try it now!

I got these images from Michelle Malkin’s blogorium & News Emporium.

Dammit!  I had a hilarious letter to post here that I was saving for today, but my roommate threw it away last night!

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I will try and recount the letter to the best of my recollection.

Dear Dax Herrera and tennents,

That’s me.

We are your neighbors from behind your house on Old Friendly Rd.  You may not be aware, but the music your band plays travels up the hill and into our windows.

I was not aware.  I frequently talk to the neighbors next door and they report being unable to hear our music at all.

We have small children and would appreciate it if you would respect our personal lives and our personal space.

Um, okay. 

As I write this is it 11:10 and your music is interfering with our lives.

Okay.  That was dicked of us to be doing on a Tuesday.  But we hadn’t played since Halloween, and I was honestly so drunk that I didn’t know it was that late.  Besides I’m not the asshole that got on the drums.

Check your homeowners association rules and you will find that that is completely unacceptable.
Thank you.

PS. The music goes on all week and during the weekends.  Enough is enough!

This was left in our mailbox in an unmarked envelope.  I have no idea how these people found my name and my name only (I suspect they rooted through our mail as all bills are addressed to me), I have no idea how long they’ve hated the shit out of us.  We used to play every day for months until 9:00PM sharp back in 2004.  I guess enough wasn’t enough back then.  I have no idea what "band" specifically they are talking about as drums haven’t been played in our house for months sparing two occasions.

Since when is a piano and a dude singing referred to as a band?

All those questions add up to one thing: Sexy Mystery!  I’ve requested a list of all the properties recently bought and sold on Old Friendly street.  Working under the assumption that these "neighbors" didn’t live in the middle of Accoustic Canyon during 2004 (because they would have left a box of scorpions on our porch), I think I can narrow down their address.

The only question that is answered here is what kind of example these jackasses are setting for their kids.  Fucking horrible.  This is how you solve problems kids, by leaving anonymous, vaguely threatening notes in people’s mailboxes.

Nice. 

This is a text message conversation between my sister and myself that occured on Christmas Eve in the St. Claire’s auxilliary church andSt. Claire’s auxilliary church parking lot.

Ashley: Dax, this is your sis.  Where are you?  We’re saving you seats.
Me: I’m in the big church.  I’m saving everyone seats.

Guess where who was.

Unless you have some kind of learning disability, like tack hammer to the head disorder, you are already thinking exactly what my family should have been thinking: "There is absolutly no fucking way Dax (who is a liar, who hasn’t been to church outside of Dec 24th since the first Bush was president, and who frequently pronounces the holiday "ecks-mas"), got to church an hour earlier to save a row of seats in the main church that has wooden benches instead of chairs and four hundred people who are really good at pretending to be serious.

Since I have no such disability, I assumed we were all on the same page.  I thought absolutely nothing of the off-handed comment.  Here’s the text message I got four minutes later when I walked into the auxilliary church:

Ashley: coming! 

"Oh shit!" I thought as the jerk with the handle bar moustache waved me frantically up to some random seats in the front like he was doing something important.

Me: No!
Me: No!
Me: No!
Me: Joking!

Goddammit.  It wasn’t until an hour later that I got a response.

Ashley: We had to stand in the back the whole time.  Thanks a lot you jackass

Usually people gain like 10 pounds by gorging themselves on meats and pies or meat pies during the holiday season.  I think I lost about fifteen laughing for an hour straight.

An open letter to math professors:

Hello.  One or two of you perhaps remember me, but most of you don’t, so I’ll get to the point.

When you dumb fucks don’t grade exams on a curve, you’re pretty much pissing all over Diophantus’ grave.  And since I know some of you nerd cocksuckers won’t get that because you don’t know enough about math to grade on the curve (like you stupid shits at UCLA who don’t) how about The Count?  When you don’t grade math exams on a curve, you’re pissing on The Count.

Calculus and statistics and all of that other shit are not hard things.  They’re so easy that they teach themselves.  That’s why they were invented before things like lightbulbs and the Pet Rock — because they’re easy.  They don’t even require professors.  If anyone gets below a perfect score on a math test ever it’s pretty much only because you, the professor, cocked up big time when you taught the shit in the first place.  And then you re-cocked up big time when you wrote the test.  Don’t trifecta your bullshit by pulling the curve.  That’s immature.

You’re not fooling anyone with this "I don’t grade on a curve" shit either, shitcocks.  And as long as there’s ink on my degree from Caltech (which won’t be long because my mom sat it on a table in the living room right in the sun), I’ll be here virtually busting the assholes of assholes like you.  Arrogant pricks.