Here’s a pretty sweet chibi-me created by DaveN – epic spammer, seraph,and Paul McKenna diet guru.

If you have kids, you can print me out, glue me to a popsicle stick, and teach your kids about fun stuff like “Always look both ways” and “No glove, no love.”

Or you can print and paste the five different colored me’s below and do Jackson Five songs — Daxon Five Songs? Now that’s choose your own edutainment!

Here are some interesting statistics from the time I cleaned my room this year — which was a few days ago:

Beer cans in bathroom: 7
Bags of trash en toto: 6
Half full beer cans in the bathroom: 1 — goddammit
Shotgun shells under the bed: 3
Times I almost drank Ajax instead of Iced Tea: 2

I fucking hate cleaning so much.  Seriously.  I tried to make a game out of it this time because I heard that’s what dumbshits do when they have to do something hard.  The game was called: Listen to News Radio and Put Something Away Every Time Someone Says "Tookie"

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED 

At Valencia High School, there is a daily television program called VTV, whereon a handful of students give the daily announcements.  Bake sales, rallies, free condoms, that kind of shit.

In the history of Valencia High School, there is only one person to have every been permanently banned from said announcements.  That person was me obviously, for saying "Let me whip out my tool."  And then making lewd faces whilst extracting a hammer I spray painted gold and laid in my lap.

The intention was to make it look like I was referring to my penis.  Apparently this got everyone’s panties in a twist.

This was in 1998.  It was a dark day for me.  Today, in 2005, I was back on the announcements baby!  And no one was the wiser.  It’s homecoming week, so everyone is ape-shit over alumni and letting us back to do what we did best in highschool.  I guess for me that’s being on TV and not getting laid.

Check and double check.  Happy birthday to the Art machine.

PS - If you want to see videos of me on highschool announcements, go to the videos section.

I had a pretty good showing at the UCLA Alumni game.

Firstly I beat my sister in a footrace without even taking my shit out of my pockets.  I’m the fastest person in the world.  I’m saying that now not to invoke any challenges, but to shut every one of you motherfuckers up who think you can step to my lightning feet.  You can’t.  Fuck you.  You’re slow.  I’m fast.

I didn’t do TOO badly in the homerun derby.  I hit three.  Art hit a walk-off because he hit one and then just walked off saying "I quit".  Some bunch of baseball players kicked the shit out of me.  That’s okay though.  All baseball players juice and are gay anyway, so whatever.  I was the winningest non-roid head.

I also got one of my "Gunz" signed by pitching sensation Lisa Dodd.  Which is probably some kind of gender equality trailblazing shit. 

I was in a movie tonight.

It was at this bar. The movie is called Doberman. Here’s the imdb listing. Check it in a month or two when my name might actually show up there. So long as I don’t get cut for being a wiseass.

Here was the scene:

A lonely stripper sitting in a bar thinking about life. Enter grinning jackass (that’s me). Jackass orders a 7 and 7. Stripper tells random dude she’s a stripper.

Stripper to other dude: I’m a stripper.
Me, eyebrows up.
Stripper: My name’s Vegas.
Me: Vegas? That’s funny. That’s my mother’s name. (I made that up. I thought it would be funny)
Stripper turns to me.
Stripper: Fuck off.

Everyone knows where it goes from there.

Yeehaw! Winamp skins are found

I thought I lost these things…but if you need a rockin Winamp skin, and anyone who doesn’t need a rocking winamp skin is a super douchebag, here’s a doozy.

It’s the Hammer in Winamp form.

Download and enjoy.