I’m going to be at The Cat and Fiddle in Hollywood (on Sunset near Cahuenga) for St Patrick’s Day. It’s the awesomest outdoor British Pub Courtyard in LA and I will be celebrating a number of secret things.

I will also be drinking 40 Guinnesses starting at 4PM.

If you want to see some major shenanigans being pulled, come join me! I mean major.

This also means I have a lot to do. I need to get a hold of some real Leprechaun shoes. Not those bullshit floppy ones that just slide over your feet. One spilled Guinness and I’ll look like a hobo.

And I will be spilling Guinness.

I also need a hat. I think a big green hat would be a little contrived, but then maybe that’s what I’m going for.

Damn I have a lot to think about and not much time.

Remember when I sold my moustache on eBay? Well I found the videos of me shaving it and spliced them together for your enjoyment. Check it out at BuyMyMoustache.com or right here in this post.

Also, I tried uploading this fucker to YouTube because I like their whole community bullshit, but it didn’t work. I tried like three times. Google Video totally came through for me in the pinch. Google is like Santa Claus — except a Santa Claus that sticks coal up your ass when you’ve been bad. Giggidy Goo.

MC Shoemoney (the master of contests) has launched another one:

Go here to guess the amount of spams his blog shoemoney.com is going to get hit with in the next few days. To me, this looks like kind of a karmic act of contrition to even out the score after the awesome Shoot Shoemoney Spam out of a Fucking Cannon (the S3 FC) contest a few months ago.

I still think that one was a good contest idea. It’s just a little spam for fuck’s sake. If you can’t figure out how to ban shoemoney.com links in your comments after the first hundred or so then your blog probably looks like shit anyway. And this is coming from a guy with white text on a black background and side navigation that doesn’t even fit in the purple strip over there. I don’t even want to know what it looks like in IE.

In team Webguerrilla fashion, I’m going to hop onto this contest by holding one of my own. The person who guesses the number closest to the final number of guesses that Shoemoney gets for his Guess The Spam Contest (ends sept 9th at 11:59 PM), wins Dax’s Guess the Number of Guesses in Shoemoney’s Contest Contest and will receive this key I found on the ground outside of Ralph’s a few days ago.

Does the discarded key open a treasure chest? Maybe it opens a secret lair of cool spy shit! Or maybe it unlocks a donkey stable. Find out with your guess!

Also, check out www.FollowTheWeird.com for awesome news and reviews on my latest book!

I got back from Italy on Monday night and my luggage, cuban cigars, absinthe, and retainers (nerd!) got back last night at around 1 AM.

Giggidy giggidy.

Here are my comments on Italy:

First of all, one out of every two women you see on the street in Rome is fucking gorgeous.  It’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever seen in your life.  If you’re going, make sure to bring plenty of Italy soccer jerseys and probably an Italy hat.  They love that shit.
Two.  Italians do not get drunk.  This was fucked for me.  Outside of America, you can drink just while you’re walking around the street.  That means it’s pretty much compulsory to do so.  It’s a big fuck you though because if you do get drunk, you’re the only one doing it.

Three.  Did you know Venice was built to be a maze on purpose?  The Venetian Empire did so to fuck invaders and such.  This is important to know when you wake up on a boat by yourself at 3AM and the last thing you remember is everything being sideways.

If you’re not sure you should be on a boat, then you should get off the boat.  That’s always worked well for me.

I thought of this fucking awesome idea for a movie last night.  I’m going to pitch it here just like I pitched it to my producer friend who’s being a dick about it.  A-here we go.

These four friends are getting back in touch after a while because one of them is getting married.  They’re having a bachelor party too I guess.  I don’t know if guys still do that on account of guys being extremely pussy whipped in this modern age of 1.6 Megabps Porno Machines, but that’s what’s happening in my movie.

During the bachelor party or maybe after it, the guys piss off a gypsy.  Naturally, the gypsy curses them.  Just like in that movie Thinner!  That was a good movie that made shit loads of money.  Except here’s the hook with my movie: the curse is that all of them will get herpes in a week.

‘Oh shit,’ they say.  The wedding is in a week!

The guys then make a pact that they’re definitely not going to get herpes this week or ever — but guess what…they do!  How you ask?  Well you’ll have to find out in:

The Herpes Complex

Catch it this summer!

or

How I stopped worrying and learned to love the Valtrex.

See that’s a good fucking movie.  How the hell hard is it to not get herpes?   The lesson this movie teaches us is that when you’re cursed by a gypsy, it’s very hard to not get herpes.
I also have another movie about zombies in the old west that’s called:

Zombie Fever

Catch it this summer! 

But that’s a tale for a diffadeedo.

Check out this super rad Lego thing that I made.

Oh yea. That’s the Aqua Teen Hunger Force right there. If you don’t know who that is, you’re probably cool. Click on this reference picture to see the real deal.

And what would the Aqua Teen Hunger Force be without these guys:

I’ll tell you what Aqua Teen would be without the Mooninites. Not a funny show.

And how could I forget the fortress of LTTech.

LTTECH.com only the finest in webhosting.