I challenge anyone to explain how that is not hilarious.

This picture was part of some Daily Mail article meant to demonize the brutality of Canadian seal poachers. If I were writing a piece meant to demonize Canadian seal poachers, I would not have included a picture that looks like a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

The article

See if you can spot me in this Sugarplastic Music Video

I’ll give you a hint: it’s almost exactly 1 minute in.

At the conclusion of Nathan’s 91st Annual Hot Dog Eating contest, which I was watching this evening on ESPN 2, I heard the following words:

“I think that America needed a hero. I think that America has a hero in Joey Chestnut.”

That was the announcer and Joey Chestnut was the runner up in 2006. The real victor was six-peat speed eater Takeru Kobayashi.

Either way, that is exactly what I wanted to hear 30 minutes into America Day July 4th. This is going to be the greatest America Day ever.

Yeehaw

Dicktastics play the Viper Room, May 27th, 7PM!

Open Bar again!!!

I went to the city landfill today to empty out my garage. I’m moving to North Hollywood tonight and in North Hollywood, I no longer require things like seven industrial blacklights, a piano with seventeen broken strings I left in out in the rain for a weekend, two huge computer monitors I drew faces on where the eyes are above the screen so it looks like a big mouth, or two broken reclining lounge chairs. Also, a wicker satellite chair was thrown away.

If you’ve never been to a landfill, you should go because it is completely awesome!

You pull up, you get your whole truck and things weighed on one of those big scales; then you pull up to a big open space where there’s like 14 dump trucks just dumping trash into a ditch. Awesome. From there, you take all your stuff and do whatever the hell you want with it.

I caber tossed some bookshelves. This was much more difficult than I had anticipated and I only got about ten feet. That’s probably pretty great for a first try. Even if it isn’t, the bookshelves exploded spectacularly.

All this only cost me 55 dollars for 1.08 Tonnes of junk.

Thanks to everyone who came to the Viper Room on Oscar night! It was the greatest thing that has ever happened in Los Angeles. There was an open bar so everyone got too drunk to piss straight and then drove home. Look out for another RAD DICKTASTICS SHOW on May 5th at the Derby.

May 4th. The Derby.

I went to Disneyland yesterday with JenStar and have the following opinions.

I am awesome at Buzz Lightyear Space Command Adventure.

I had a rocky start as you can see in the first picture below, but then check out my monumental score when I pulled off my beany and got serious with my seriously awesome new hair style (that includes face hair).

163,000 points = Level 4 Space Scout.

Pirates of the Caribean: The Ride has sold out.

In the first version of Pirates of the Caribean: The Ride, there was only one part that bugged me. Near the end of the beginning, when you’re still cruising next to the Blue Bayou restaurant, there’s a dude sitting out on a rocking chair with some banjo playing going on as you come closer. However, he’s not holding a banjo. I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s gay and there’s another guy inside his crappy little mud shack actually playing a banjo.

Then I think, that’s a hell of a statement for Disneyland to be making. There’s only one animatronic representation of swamp hilbillies in all of the Pirates ride — and he’s gay. Are they saying 100% of swamp hilbillies are gay? I don’t know.

They redesigned it and fucked it up with Pirates chasing plates of food around — that bugs; and now they’ve gone and fucked with it again by putting a bunch of Pirates of the Caribean: The Movie shit all over the place in about the most ham-fisted ways possible. Here’s an example.

Old Ride:

Ship Pirates: Surrender, you lilly livered lubbers!…
Fort Guys: We will never surrender!

New Ride:

Ship Pirates: Surrender Jack Sparrow to us!
Fort Guys: We will never surrender!

I guess the guys who thought that up got their imagineering degrees from an infomercial.

Actually, the new Jack Sparrow animatrons are pretty cool. It looks and acts exactly like Johnny Depp (unlike the Indiana Jones ones who looks and acts like Russel from Grace Under Fire — that guy from the Molson commercials) especially when surrounded by a bunch of crappier old robots from 1970. It’s still half-assed though.

You can still sneak booze into Disneyland.

I didn’t see any metal detectors. Not like at Magic Mountain anyway. And the only dog I saw at the whole park was surrounded by a dozen kids with their filthy, sticky hands all over it. What’s the matter kids? You’ve never seen a fucking dog before? Jesus, control yourselves. If you want to bring a flask into the park, I think you’ll be fine.