On the birthday of Abraham Lincoln last weekend, I went to an Abraham Lincoln museum that I thought was a Sit and Sleep Matress Superstore — where I was going because I got really drunk the night before. You can probably figure out what had happened.

At the museum, I learned some fun and some not-so-fun facts about America’s 8th president that I wanted to share here:

1. Abraham Lincoln’s family nicknamed him Long Pants.

2. Abraham Lincoln invented the panty raid while attending Harvard.

3. Abraham Lincoln was allergic to club sandwiches.

4. Abraham Lincoln was only 6′2″. The average height of a man in the 19th century was 5′2″.

5. Abraham Lincoln’s favorite jelly bean was grape. JFK’s favorite medium for grape flavoring was jelly beans!

6. Abraham Lincoln invented that one really dirty joke about priests…you know the one I’m talking about.

7. Abraham Lincoln’s awsome top hat was large enough to hold two bags of grass, seventy five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers — also a quart of tequilla, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.

8. Abraham Lincoln’s favorite play was one that he wrote himself entitled, “Fuck the South”.

Alright, I’m going to bed. Happy Valentine’s Day.